Diary of a Broken Soul
by chinocoop81
Summary: I came across a book one day. It wasn't any other ordinary book either, it was a journal. Someone's diary. So I picked it up and looked through it, examining the pages that are turning yellow with age. This is a diary of a broken soul. AU RM Complete!
1. Chapter 1

-1I came across a book one day. It wasn't any other ordinary book either, it was a journal. Someone's diary. So I picked it up and looked through it, examining the pages that are turning yellow with age. I couldn't find a way to contact the owner, so I started reading it, curiosity getting the best of me.

I read for the whole day, and late into the night. And by the time I was done, I had tears streaming down my cheeks and my nose was running. I couldn't get the person's words out of my head and I tried to contact them.

This is a diary. A diary of a broken soul...

_January 13, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've never kept a diary before. I got this one for my birthday two years ago, and never thought of writing in it until now. I never really saw a use for diaries. To me, they're just empty books that you're supposed to write in. But what would I really write in it? Is there a reason for a diary? I always figured that as long as I have friends, I don't need a diary. Well, now my friend, Summer Roberts, is away on vacation and my mom won't let me call her. I don't know why, but my mom can be such a witch sometimes. Hmm, I guess a diary can do me some good after all._

_What do I need to tell? I'm thirteen, going to be fourteen on April 17. I'm not too excited though. I mean, why do i want to get older? I have parents that care for me, and I'm _

_pretty well off right now. Why countdown the days until my eighteenth birthday when I'm scared to death of the idea of leaving my house and family? Tons of kids at school talk about how they want to grow up so fast. I just nod along, but deep inside, I really don't want to grow up. I want to be a child forever._

_My dad is my favorite parent. I wouldn't dare tell anyone that, though I think they can guess. It's not that I don't like my mom, she's just bossy and wierd sometimes. Some call it teenage angst, but I don't know. I think there's something else going on between me and my mom. I see the looks she gives me when I'm with my dad, smiling. When I try to do something with her, she says she's too busy. I guess that's alright, why be with someone who doesn't like you?_

_I think my mom's jealous of my relationship with my dad. She's not jealous that I'm not giving her attention, she's jealous because my dad isn't giving her the attention that he gives me. I don't know what's going on between them, but I notice the tension in the room, and I see the glares that she gives him. I sometimes hear them arguing about some woman named Jessica. I don't know who that is though, and when I hear it, I just go into my room and shut the door and go under the covers and cry._

_My little sister, Caitlin, is at boarding school. I wish I could go to boarding school. She makes it seem like so much fun. I may not be ready to grow up, but I'm ready to try something new. Life here in Newport is so boring, and I don't think I'll last much longer. I just want something exciting to happen, someone exciting to come along, anything._

_School is alright. I like to write, but I also like science class. I don't think my mom would approve of my likes and dislikes about school, but I really don't care. In science, there's always something new to learn. There's always a new type of species getting discovered, or a new invention being made. In writing, I can write about how I want things to be. I can write about a perfect world, and everything and everyone get along together. My mom wouldn't understand, no one does. Not even Summer, not even my dad._

_At school, the girls all have boyfriends. I don't though. I don't see a need for one. All the boys at school are jerks, especially Luke Ward. He's been after me since fifth grade, and I wish he'd just back off. He tells me I'll come to my senses one day and he'll marry me when we grow up. Please, like I'd want to marry a jerk like Luke. His blonde hair and blue eyes don't do anything for me. _

_Alright, enough complaining. I have to go, my mom is calling for me. I wonder what I did this time. Maybe she's finally come to her senses and is just asking me to spend time with her. I doubt it._

_Marissa_

_P.S. I'll try to write more tomorrow, but I'm kind of busy. _


	2. Chapter 2

_January 25, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_Sorry it has been a while since I wrote. I guess I've been busy, but what teenager isn't? There's lots to tell, and I've got about an hour, so let's get started. My mom and I have been getting along better. She's starting to ask me about my day, and if I need help with my homework. I tell her yes, just so I get to talk to her. I learned that she doesn't like English or Science, my two favorite subjects. That's alright though, they always say opposites attract. Maybe it is true. You never know, right?_

_My dad has been a little distant lately. I don't worry about it though, he's probably just letting me and my mom have our space. He's always known about how I long for a relationship with her. The two haven't been fighting lately. Then again, they haven't been talking lately either. I notice that they avoid any eye contact with each other. I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling that they're going to break up soon. But my parents can't break up. They love each other too much, right?  
_

_Enough family talk though, let's see, let me tell you about school. I know, I know, that doesn't sound like a very interesting subject. But here's the deal, there's this new kid in class. It's a boy, he's thirteen, has sandy blonde hair, and tan skin. He has some nice muscles for a thirteen year old too. He has the most amazing eyes though. They're blue, and they are like a puzzle. I've never been a big puzzle person, but this is one that I want to solve._

_His name is Ryan Atwood. He's really quiet though. I met him in science. The teacher sat us next to each other for the rest of the year, I'm so excited. He didn't say anything to me at first, just watched the teacher and observed the classroom. While he observed the classroom, I observed him. He was wearing a black t-shirt and some jeans. He had on some Nike shoes and had his hair spiked in the front. About a third the way through class, he turned in my direction and caught me staring at him. I blushed and looked down, and out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his mouth lift up into a small smile. I thought I would melt. I've never felt this way before._

_The next day, he was in class before me. When I entered the classroom, I noticed that he was looking at the door, almost as if he was waiting for someone. When he saw me, he smiled and pulled open the chair under the desk for me. I told him thanks, and he mumbled a quick you're welcome. He didn't say anything else for a while, because the teacher started talking. I would look over to him every once in a while to see him sneaking a look at me. He would blush, and I would find him even cuter._

_The next day is when he started talking some more. Of course, I was the one asking questions, but it still got him talking. He revealed that he liked basketball, and wanted to join the team the next year. I told him that I would come to his games, and he smiled and I blushed, again. I told him about how I loved science, and he said it was his favorite subject. I was very pleased to hear this, and I didn't know whether I should tell him about my writing or not. In the end, I decided not to. It would have to wait, for now, I wanted to just get to know him without revealing too much about my thoughts._

_The next day, we talked about the show Friends. He said his mom watched it, and he'd watch an episode here and there. I told him about how obsessed I was about the show, and he seemed amused by it. Before long we were in a debate about whether or not Ross and Rachael should be together. I said they were made for each other, but he said that they needed to see who else was out there before they made a strong commitment. I don't know why, but I suddenly got the feeling that he wouldn't want to go out with me if I asked. Not like I'm going to though, that's up to him to decide._

_Well, that's pretty much it. I guess I didn't have so much to fill in about after all. Oh well, I'll try to write more tomorrow. Bye…_

_Marissa_

_January 27, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_My mom and dad have been more distant than ever lately. I know its only been two days since I last wrote, but they've gotten worse. My dad is staying away from my mom at all costs, and even started sleeping in the guest bedroom. I hope it's just a faze that they're in……_

_Anyways, an update on Ryan. He's been talking even more lately. He revealed that he has an older brother named Trey, and that his dad lives in New York. He works in the south tower in downtown Manhattan. When he said it, there was pride in his voice, and a smile that I've never seen before. His eyes were twinkling when they looked about me, and I could see how much he loved his father. When I asked about his mother, I noticed some of the glow in his eyes faded, and he said that she had a boyfriend. He didn't comment anymore, so I knew he didn't want to talk about it._

_I told him about my family. I told him about how Caitlin lives in boarding school, and how I hardly see her anymore. I told him about how I have a close relationship with my dad, and how my mom and I don't always see eye to eye. He commented that it was normal for teenagers not to get along with their parents, but I told him what I've never told anybody else before. That my mom doesn't like me. He must have seen the pain in my eyes, because he put his hand on my arm and said, at least you have your dad. I just nodded, at a loss of words. I don't know if it was because of what he said, or the feeling of his soft hand on my arm that sent shivers through my body._

_Marissa_

_January 31, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today's the last day of January, and I can't say that I'm upset. These past couple of days have been horrible in my house. My dad is packing up all of his stuff, and says he's moving out. I asked if him and my mom were getting a divorce and all he said was, not yet. I don't know what this means between us. Will I get to see him anymore? I talked to Ryan about it, but he didn't have an answer. That was alright though, because him listening to me told me that even if I don't have my dad's support, I had his, and that was better than nothing._

_Today they started announcing that they were selling carnations for Valentines day. Every year, Luke always gave me one, and said that it was because I was his girl. I always threw it away, and he always said, that's alright, we've still got next year. I saw Ryan looking at the flyer for them on the bulletin board in the hall and asked if he had anyone in particular he wanted to give one to. He just shook his head and smiled, "nope, I hardly know anyone yet." and we walked to science together. _

_Walking together to science was our new thing. His class before science was right next to mine, and he waited for me one day. It was a real joy to see him there, waiting for me without me asking. He'd smiled and said that he wanted someone he knew to walk beside him, and I didn't protest about it. I see the way other girls look at me with jealousy in their eyes, and how they talk behind my back. It just makes me walk closer to Ryan, letting our arms brush by each other's so they have something more to talk about. As I always hear Summer say, "We've got to let the future Newpsies of Newport have some gossip so they can get used to it for when they're older."_

_Marissa_

_February 10, 2001_

_Sorry I haven't written in a while, I haven't been home much lately. I'm always trying to stay away from my mom, because now that my dad's completely moved out, she's back to being a witch. She always yells at me, saying I disappoint her and asks why I can't be like every other girl in Newport. My answer always is, let me live with dad then, it'll do us both a favor, and I walk out of the house. I don't know where my dad moved to, just that he doesn't call much. He's called maybe twice since he left nine days ago. I wish I could talk to him more, but I can't._

_Ryan and I have only grown closer though this whole ordeal. He tells me about how things were when his parents split up, and how his dad didn't call or write for half a year. My heart broke at his story, and it made me feel better about the issues I have with my dad. He still won't tell me about his mom though, and gets sensitive whenever I bring up my own mom. He just says, "She loves you, she really does, she just has a weird way of showing it." and I always get the feeling that he's trying to convince himself about his mom more than me about mine. _

_Me and Ryan talked about life the other day. He said that when he grows up, he wants a family with a beautiful wife and at least two kids. He had this dreamy look in his eyes, and it made me wish that I was his wife. I'd give him however many kids he wanted, and that's not stretching the truth. I told him that I wanted a handsome husband, and maybe three kids. He nodded along and smiled when I was done. I don't know why he was, but it made me blush for some reason._

_He asked me what important qualities in a guy she dated would be. I was taken back by the question, and had to think. When I finally reached my conclusion, I realized that he was looking at me with his blue eyes and staring straight into my soul. Before I saw that, I would have told him what any girl would have told a guy, handsome and funny. But with him staring at me like that, I felt as though he could read my mind, and I told him the truth. I wanted someone that was charming, and caring. He had to be nice to me, and everyone else. I didn't want someone that thought I was their own property to do with whatever they wanted. Ryan stared at me the whole time and nodded. When I was done, I wonder if he realized if I was basically explaining his qualities._

_Then, I reversed the question on him. He said that he'd want a girl that was caring about others, and didn't think that she was all that. She had to be happy with herself before she thought of getting serious, and she should be somewhat good looking. I laughed at that part, and he laughed too. After a serious talk, I guess some humor was important. I walked out of science that day, wondering if I was what Ryan described. _

_I don't know why, but I have feelings for Ryan Atwood. Deep, meaningful feelings. We're not even together, or are we? I don't really know. But I can't help but wonder, is this feeling love? _

_Marissa_

_P.S. Valentines Day is in just four days!! Wonder if I'll get another carnation from Luke……_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. And Sarah, I don't care where you reply, as long as you do, lol. No more being a silent reader. R/R, enjoy!**

_February 14, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_Today's the day, love's in the air, and two flowers are in my vase. Yes, two. I really got three, but one of them was from Luke, and really, why would I keep that one? My other two, I really don't know who they're from. They just said, "From your secret admirer" on it, and one had a message that said, "Though you may never figure out who I am, I want to tell you, I really care for you." I thought that was weird, I mean, who besides Luke would send me a carnation?  
_

_Ryan was with me when I got them. I had already told him about Luke, and he wasn't surprised that I got a carnation from him. But he wasn't all too that surprised that I got two more either. When I asked him about it, he just said that of course I have a secret admirer, who wouldn't like me? That made me blush, and he blushed too. It was magical._

_We went through Science just fine, but I noticed that Ryan particularly paid attention to my carnation, making sure I liked it, and that it wasn't too much. I thought this was weird, but I didn't comment on it. I don't want to scare him off or something. That wouldn't be cool. I wrote him a letter telling him I cared for him more than a friend. I didn't give it to him though, just put it in my locker where it will never be found, at least I don't think._

_Anyways, I have to go, I can't write much today, because my mom's all weird on Valentines day. Not like she isn't every other day of the year._

_Marissa_

_P.S. I'll write more tomorrow._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n I know these past couple of posts have been short, but it'll all get better, I promise. And as I've told some people, this is just coming to me all at once, I have sort of an idea for how this is going to go, but how I get there is an entirely different reason, lol. Thanks for the reviews, R/R, enjoy!**

_February 15, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_I have a little more time today than yesterday, but not much. My mom was crying last night, a lot too. She kept saying something like, no one cared for her, and she'd wind up bitter and alone. I tried to comfort her, but she just shooed me away. The sooner she realizes that I'm here, the sooner she'll realize that she doesn't have to be alone. That's her problem right now though, not mine. If she doesn't acknowledge me, I won't think about her. I'll think about my dad, and Ryan of course._

_Speaking of my dad, I found out where he is. He apparently moved to L.A. and is trying to find a job. I wonder how that's going. He keeps calling from a payphone, since he lost his cell phone. I really miss him. I'd be able to talk to him about things dealing with Ryan, but since he's not here, I have no one. Summer is still gone, and I'm beginning to miss her. I still can't call her, my mom's making sure of that._

_So I have no one to talk to about Ryan. Good thing I have this diary, or I don't know how I'd last. Speaking of Ryan, I decided to copy my note to him down into here, so here it is…._

_Dear Ryan,_

_I know me and you are good friends, and I really love that. But there's something else I'd like to tell you, something I can't tell you to your face. I think I'm in love with you, there, I said it. Please don't freak out or anything, but I really do. Because when I see you, I get really happy, and when I'm not with you, I get really sad. And I tell you things that I don't dare tell anyone else, because I know that only you understand me. So, that's how I feel, and I really hope you feel the same way._

_Marissa_

_P.S. If you don't, forget that I ever said this, but if you do…….tell me, please._

…_..hmm, meaningful, huh? I'm not planning on ever letting him see it. It would be way too awkward if he didn't feel the same way. I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel this way….it just does._

_Luke found out about the other carnations, and he's made it clear to everyone before never to come near me. Maybe he'll find out who sent them to me, and I can be with that person, and finally get over Ryan. Who knows though. I have to go…..mom's calling me again._

_Marissa_


	5. Chapter 5

_March 1, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

I know it has been forever since I've written, but I've been kind of busy. The search for the carnation person isn't going anywhere, at least not for me. I wonder how Luke's doing though….oh well.

Meanwhile me and Ryan have been getting along better than ever. I invited him to dinner tonight…I can't wait for it. I've been trying to decide what to wear and talking to my mom about not acting weird. She keeps smirking at me, and I'm getting the feeling that tonight will be unforgettable, in a good way or a bad way I don't know.

I've got to go, Ryan should be here in a few minutes.

Marissa

March 2, 2001

Dear Diary,

I'll tell you about my dinner with Ryan in a little bit. I hardly have any time, but I had to write this down. The letter to Ryan is missing…..

Marissa

_March 3, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Where can the letter be? I'm really trying not to like, freak out or anything, but that's kind of hard. Anyone could have the letter…and that means that anyone can give the letter to Ryan…which means things will be totally awkward and we won't be friends anymore. I can't let that happen, but where could the letter be?_

_I'll tell about my dinner with Ryan, that should distract me. He came at around seven, and my mom ordered in pizza, which we never eat. She tried to make conversation, but things were just too awkward, and she just left us alone to eat the pizza in the back patio. It was really nice too, just me and Ryan overlooking the scenery of the ocean. I may be thirteen, but I know a romantic moment when I see one._

_So anyways, we were eating when Ryan asks me if I ever get lonely, with just me and my mom. I didn't' know what to say, because truth is, I do get lonely. I don't answer, and he goes on talking about his mom, and how he gets lonely all the time. He tells me about his mom's boyfriends, and how sometimes they yell at him and even hit him. I couldn't understand why he was telling me this, and I asked him about it too. He told me it was because he could trust me…and just those words made me feel special._

_Ryan left around eight thirty, and when I went to my room to find the letter so I could go over it once more, I couldn't find it. I don't know what could've happened to it, I had it on my desk all night, and no one ever goes into my room. I didn't even take Ryan in my room….I just don't understand._

_I'm hoping the letter will appear, but I doubt it. I just hope that whoever does have the letter, doesn't show it to Ryan. Because if I lost my friendship with him, I don't know what I'd do…._

_Marissa_


	6. Chapter 6

_March 7, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Still no letter, but I'm beginning to stop worrying. Whoever has it hasn't made any outward show to me, so why worry? Me and Ryan have been suckered into staying at school and helping out with something this Saturday. Our science teacher kept bugging me about it, and I said I'd go if someone I knew went. Ryan immediately said he had nothing to do this Saturday, and convinced me to go. I pretended to be upset by it, but the truth is, I'm looking forward to spending my Saturday with Ryan, something we haven't done yet. I'm kind of nervous though, I don't know why._

_Marissa_

_March 9, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was Saturday, the day that I spent with Ryan. It was truly amazing really. Well, to me it was anyways. We're working when suddenly we somehow start talking about whether science or social studies is better. I argue that science is awesome, but he's all for social studies. We tease each other back and forth until lunch time, and then we start arguing about whether chocolate or lollypops are better. I argue for chocolate, and he goes for lollypops, saying that chocolate melts too easily, and causes a great deal of mess. _

_Later, some kid comes by and asks if my 'boyfriend' would come and help him with something. I immediately say that Ryan isn't my boyfriend, and the kid says, oh, I mean your husband. I just rolled my eyes, and Ryan stayed quiet and walked off with that other kid. I won't admit it to anyone, but I kind of liked being called Ryan's wife. _

_Marissa_

_March 15, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Ryan and I had to draw a food web for science. We were arguing whether or not a wolf ate a bobcat, and some girl that sits in front of us turns around and tells us we argue just like a married couple. I don't say anything, but Ryan puts his arm around me and says, "Oh no, looks like they found out our secret..." and I look at him like he's crazy until I realize he's pretending that we're married. With pretending to be his wife, and having his arm around me, it was by far the best day of my life. He even kissed me on the cheek once, and I felt like I would faint. I'm seriously smiling so much, my mom thought that I needed therapy to sort out my feelings, funny huh? Therapy, like I'd ever go there._

_Marissa_

_April 1, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_So today Ryan and I kind of took our relationship to a new level, at least that's how I view what happened. It all started in science, where I guess everything starts for us. I walk in to find him smiling and laughing with some girl. I immediately got upset, jealous even, and avoided him for the rest of the class period. He kept trying to talk to me, but I would always pretend to be busy. I was just so upset that he could have fun with another girl besides me, you know? It made me feel kind of unspecial, which is the exact opposite of how I usually feel with Ryan._

_So anyways, later on, I go and talk to some other new boy named Johnny Harper. I really don't like him much, he's kind of weird and annoying, but I had seen Ryan watching me from across the lunchroom, and I went to talk to Johnny, just to see Ryan's reaction. Anyways, when I turn around, Ryan's standing there, looking kind of upset. He tells Johnny that him and I need to have a talk, and Johnny leaves, looking at me, confused. Ryan asks me if I like him, and I say yes, of course, we were friends. But he gets this really weird look on his face and says, no, I mean, do you reaaaly like me, as more than a friend. I just nodded, and I made sure not to make eye contact with him, in case this was the end, and our friendship was over. It wasn't though, and he took my hand and told me that I needed to stop spending so much time with Johnny then, and it made me laugh. We held hands the rest of lunch, and I don't think I stopped smiling for the rest of the day._

_Marissa_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was the first full day of me being Ryan's girlfriend. Girls looked at me with jealousy in their eyes, and guys looked at Ryan with jealousy in theirs. It was fun, being next to Ryan, getting to hold his hand, getting to kiss his cheek. We haven't shared our first kiss yet, I don't know why. He seemed confident with me by his side, not like he usually is, reserved and alone. He seemed to smile more, but I don't know if that's true or just my wishful thinking. Anyways, so Luke saw us together, and he gave Ryan this look...I hope he doesn't do anything._

_Marissa_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N sorry I haven't updated on here in a while, but I haven't been able to. This is basically all the posts that I've posted on the OC boards since the last time I posted here, so enjoy!**

_May 1, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_So I know i suck at updating this, but I've been busy. Ryan's been coming over for dinner more often, and my mom's actually acting sane for once. Anyways, about me and Ryan, we had our first kiss. It wasn't anything big, but still, it was special. It took forever to happen though. You know how I said that Ryan was more confident, I meant in public. But when it's just me and him, he gets really shy and nervous, more so than before. It's really cute when he gets that way._

_So anyways, Ryan was over for dinner, and it was after we ate. We went outside, and stood in my backyard. I can't even remember what we were talking about, or how it happened, it just did. It went by fast, but afterwards, we were both smiling. He left soon afterwards, but I still had the feeling of his lips against mine. It was basically a peck on the lips, but that's alright for now, I am thirteen after all._

_Marissa_

_May 18, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_So today Ryan revealed that when school's out, he's going to go with his dad for the summer. I of course was upset, but he made me feel better. He hugged me and kissed me really quick, so of course I feel better. I mean this is Ryan, how could you stay upset with him?_

_Anyways, so I'm going to be all alone this summer, and it really stinks too. I mean, Ryan's going to be on the other side of the country from me, with his dad in New York__ I understand why he needs to go, he hasn't seen him in a while, but still, I'll miss him. Enough worrying about the future though, let's worry about the present. Luke isn't too happy with Ryan._

_And I mean really not happy, like really angry. See, Luke's clearly made it known to the school, don't mess with me. But Ryan and Me are together now, and that makes Luke really upset. So the other day, I found Luke trying to start a fight with Ryan. I of course, went and stood by Ryan, which made Luke even madder. He threatened Ryan, but Ryan just rolled his eyes and took my hand, leading me in the other direction. I smiled at him, and he smiled at me. I guess that's Ryan though, my hero._

_Marissa_

_June 1, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_I'm enjoying my last month with Ryan, because I know it's going to be hard without him. But instead of worrying about him leaving, we're worrying about his mom. See, she's been really distant lately Ryan told me. She's usually either yelling at him, or drinking, or she's occasionally the 'good mom' but lately she hasn't even acknowledged him much. I told Ryan that maybe that was a good thing, but he shrugged and told me that he wasn't so sure._

_Luke hit Ryan. That's a way to start a paragraph huh? Anyways, it was after school, and Ryan was outside waiting for me to come out, and Luke approached him and punched him. What did Ryan do? He smirked at Luke, and watched as a teacher walked towards them. Luke was suspended, and Ryan doesn't have to deal with him anymore. I asked him later if he really wanted to hit Luke, and he just held my hand and said, whatever it takes to keep him away from you._

_Since I've told about Ryan's family, I should probably tell about my own. My mom is acting better, but is still kind of weird at times. She does this new thing, where she makes me mad, and then after I yell at her, she tells me I have anger issues and need to see a therapist. I just roll my eyes and walk away. If I'm going to a therapist, she's coming with me. My dad got an apartment in LA, I'm thinking of spending time with him during the Summer._

_Marissa_

_June 15, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_The dreaded day is coming soon, way too soon. I've already made plans for the summer. I'm going to go with my dad...it's not like my mom minded. If I'm honest with myself, she seemed pretty relieved. I'm okay with that though, anything's better than hearing her yell..."You need to talk to someone if you won't talk to me..." It's getting pretty annoying..._

_Marissa_

_July 12, 2001_

_Dear Diary,_

_Ryan's gone. He went with his dad the other day, and I'm really missing him already. When we'd gotten out of school, we spent a couple of days at the beach, and just walking the pier. We would hold hands, and laugh at stuff...I can't remember what anymore. We basically enjoyed the little time we had...and I really had fun. But then it was time for him to leave. I tried not to get emotional the day before...when we actually said our goodbyes. He came over to my house, and had dinner once again. We went outside like we usually do, but we both knew that this was no usual day._

_He looked really serious that night, and I will never forget the way he held my hand, like he was afraid to let it go. When it's just me and Ryan, he shows a side that no one else gets to see, and I love him for it. Anyways, he just sat there quietly for a long time, and then he turned to me and smiled weakly. He told me that he'd be back before I knew it, and soon we'd be together again. For someone who's barely a teenager, we were both pretty serious that night. He kissed me, and when he walked away, I started crying. Because I wasn't upset that he was leaving, I knew he needed to see his dad. It's just, I had the weirdest feeling that I'd never see him again._

_Marissa_

_August 15, 2001_

_Dear Diary, _

_This summer has sucked. It's not even done yet, and I'm ready for it to be over. Ryan and I keep arguing on the phone whenever he calls, and I don't want our relationship to be like that. I just miss him, and I guess when he calls, I get upset and frustrated with him for being gone in the first place. The truth is, I love him, and I miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh...the way I feel safe when I'm around him. I just need him, more than he knows._

_My dad has a new girlfriend, named Jessica. I guess that she's the Jessica that kept being brought up in his fights with my mom. I hate her, and I barely know her. She has this annoying laugh, and she's always talking. My dad smiles a lot around her, and pays a lot of attention to her, which makes me even angrier. I miss my dad, the way he used to be. I miss walking on the beach, or going out to buy Balboa bars. I miss talking to him until it's late, and I miss him smiling at me the way he smiles at his new girlfriend._

_This summer has been by far the worst yet. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my dad, and I want to know what the heck happened to Summer. I came home with my mom the other day, and I saw Luke running on the beach. I let my eyes linger a little longer than usual, watching his sweaty body. I may be young, but I know a hot guy when I see one. It's only now that I realize that I was looking at Luke, the guy I've despised since fifth grade. I can't believe I let myself even turn in his direction, let alone stare at him._

_What's happening to my life? What's happening to me? One conversation that I had with Ryan the other day really got to me. He talked about his dad's friend's daughter, Mary, who is our age. He went on and on about how funny she was, and I wanted to yell at him for even talking about her, even thinking about her or talking to her. I ended up getting all jealous, and that made Ryan mad, which made me even madder, and we ended up hanging up on each other. About a month ago, I never would've hung up with Ryan while I was angry, but now it's becoming more normal. This staying apart for so long has really affected us, and I I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever be the same._

_Marissa_

_September 11, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

So today, some terrorists hijacked some planes and flew them into the twin towers and the pentagon. I was pretty devastated by this, but not nearly as much as Ryan. He just came back the other day, and he was really happy then. We had talked through our problems, which really just amounted to not spending enough time together, and we were good again. Until today that is. Because Ryan's dad was in one of the towers when it collapsed...which means he's probably dead.

Ryan took the news pretty hard. He distanced himself from everyone, including me. I invited him over for dinner, but he declined, saying he needed to be alone. His mom didn't help matters any either, because as far as I know, she was drunk, and that means Ryan's not getting any sympathy from her. It means that he's probably going to get yelled at, and go to bed at the end of the day with the knowledge that he no longer has a dad, and his mom doesn't like him. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with that.

But the worst part of it is the fact that he won't talk to me about it. He'll barely look at me, and when he does, there's so much sadness in his eyes that I have to look away. I love him, and I just want him to be okay...for us to be okay.

Marissa

_September 18, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

This past week has been hell. Ryan hasn't talked much about anything, and from what I hear, his mom is just getting worse. He came to school the other day with a black eye, the teachers didn't pay attention to him, only I did. I asked him what had happened, and he looks at me with so much pain in his eyes, and says that his mom's new boyfriend is the worst of all she's had. And as I ran my hand over his bruises, he became really tense, and I had to pull my hand back. Usually, he allows me to touch his face, or his arm, or his shoulder, but he just looked the other way. And I know that he's been through a lot, but that doesn't mean he has to push me aside too. I mean, I just want to help him, but he's always just so upset. I wish there was something I could do, but I don't think there is...

Marissa

_October 1, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

I think that I can honestly say this is the worst day of my life. The pain over summer vacation seems small compared to the pain I feel now. Ryan's leaving, and I don't know if he's ever coming back. It all started when he got home from school, and found that his mom wasn't there. Nothing was there except for a note that said, 'I'm sorry' and Ryan's stuff. He comes over to my house almost in tears, which is pretty bad for Ryan.

Then, my mom calls child services and they come by our house to pick Ryan up. He'd been alone in the guest room for a long time, I didn't know what he was doing, he just said he needed to be alone. So I kept my distance, which was harder than it sounds when you know that you only have a few hours left with some one that's important to you.

He finally came out and we spent the last hour on the couch, holding hands and talking. He kept staring at me, watching my every move, and listening to my every word. And when we heard the knock on the door, and his social worker came, I started crying. He hands me this letter, and then kisses me and tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, and we hug for a really long time, until my mom makes me let go.

And as I watched him leave, I can't help but sob really hard, because he loved me too, and now he's gone. And when I read the letter, I savored every word, because it could be his last thoughts to me for a very long time, maybe forever...

Marissa

P.S. I put the letter in my diary for safe keeping...

**Dear Marissa, **

What can I say, life sucks. I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to you, especially not this fast. I guess there are some things that I wanted to tell you, things that I can't say in person. First off, I have your letter, the one you wrote to me. Your mom found it, and gave it to me with a smirk a while ago. I never told you about it because I figured if you didn't want to give it to me, I shouldn't say anything about it to you.

Second is that I love you. I know I'm barely a teenager, and some may call it puppy love, but I'm in love with you, and I always have been. This summer, when we were arguing, it was the hardest thing for me to go through. I couldn't stand you being mad at me. And I'm sorry that I've been distant lately, there's just been a lot on my mind. I really appreciate it though that you were always there.

I have a favor to ask you. Keep this letter. Because I know that someday we'll be together again, and someday I'm going to marry you. It may not be in five or even ten years, but i promise you I will marry you, because I can't spend the rest of my life without you. So goodbye for now, I'll be with you sooner than you know it.

With love,

Ryan

_November 4, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

I hate school. There's just no point anymore without Ryan. And science just doesn't feel right anymore. I mean, I understand how important school is, but I just hate being there without ryan. I hate being anywhere without Ryan actually. Luke's taking the whole thing pretty well, he's back to his old self. And the girls at school just smirk when I pass by them, and I hear them say stuff like,'I hear he went to jail..' or something like, 'he just couldn't deal with her anymore.' and I just sigh and walk away. I hate school, and everyone in it too.

My mom's more understanding then I thought she would be. She hugs me, or lets me cry when I want to cry. I wish she was like this before Ryan came, so I know that it's not just out of pity. Ryan's letter is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. His promise that we'll meet again is all that I look forward to now. It's been a while, and I still haven't received a single letter or phone call. It makes me wonder if maybe he's changed his mind about me. Maybe he doesn't love me after all.

Marissa

_December 21, 2001 _

Dear Diary,

Still no letter from Ryan, still no call from Ryan. Still no sign of Ryan. There's this curly headed boy at school named Seth, and he's always talking about Chrismukkah and Chrismukkah miracles. Looks like I need one of those right now.

Marissa

December 25, 2001

I love Chrismukkah!! Yes, I've been hanging out with Seth too much, but I liked all his talk of miracles, and guess what..I got one! Yeah, that's right, me, I got a miracle. Ryan called me, and we stayed on the phone for like an hour. It all started around four o'clock, when the phone rang. I answered it, and Ryan's voice comes over the phone. He apologized for not calling or writing sooner, and said that where he's currently living wouldn't allow him to. He says he's doing fine, and that I shouldn't worry about him. Then we started talking about what we got for Christmas, and I told him what I got, and then asked him what he got. He replied, "I got to talk to you," and it made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I told him about Seth, and he laughed at all the things that Seth does. He tells me about his friends, and how they all have girlfriends and keep trying to get him together with some girl named Hannah. I started getting jealous, and then he says that he's always telling them about me, and how they're starting to understand that he's in love, and not going to go out with Hannah. He asked me if there was any other boyfriends, and I tell him that there's only him, and there will always be only him. He tells me to keep the letter he gave me, and that I need to remember his promise. Then he told me that his time was up, and he didn't know when he'd be able to call again. I told him just to write to me, and call when he could. We ended the conversation with a couple of I love you's and I'll miss you's. Like I said earlier, I love Chrismukkah.

Marissa

_January 10, 2002 _

Dear Diary,

The new year has come and gone, and as it has, I've realized that I don't really have a life. I mean, come on, I wait for a letter or a phone call from someone that I haven't seen in three months, and I somehow believe that he's going to come back and marry me someday because of a letter he wrote to me and a promise he made? I'm fourteen now, I'm older, and I need to grow up. So my New Year's resolution was to get over Ryan. And if he calls or writes, I'll act like we're friends, nothing else. What good could really come being with him anyways, it's not like he's here to stop me.

Marissa

_February 14, 2002 _

Dear Diary,

If anyone ever asks me what the hardest thing in the world for me to do is, I'd say getting over Ryan Atwood. Seriously, how can I get over him, when he's the sweetest, most handsome, and amazing guy I've ever met? Saying I'm going to get over him is one thing, but actually doing it is an entirely different story. For one thing, he's called multiple times these past few weeks. He's even written one letter too. Everytime he does, he promises me that he'll see me again someday soon, and he was right. Because today is Valentines day, and guess who I saw? Ryan Atwood.

He was standing outside of my house when I got home froms school. He had the biggest smile on his face, and the happiness in his eyes was so large, I felt myself feel bad for ever wanting to be apart from him. He took me into his arms, and hugged me for what felt like forever at the time, but what really wasn't long enough. Then, he took my hand, and led me to the beach, telling me that my mom had already said it was okay. I asked him what he was doing here, and he said to be with me of course. But that's not the answer I wanted, I wanted to know where he'd been, and how long he was staying. I regret asking though, because that's when his smile faded, and he told me only for a couple of hours.

I got him talking, and as it turns out, the foster family he's living with has a truck driver in the family, and he was supposed to drive a bunch of supplies to Newport. After a lot of begging and bargaining, Ryan got the chance to come along, which means he got to see me. I felt myself getting teary eyed just thinking about it, and then he kissed me, and everything was alright again. He told me he was living with a foster family in Nevada, and when he'd called me at Christmas time, he'd been in a group home a couple of cities away, and that's he couldn't call me much, because they wouldn't allow it.

So he goes on and on about his new friends, and then talks about this girl at his school. I immediately got jealous, and he must have sensed something was wrong, because he told me that he only saw her as a friend, nothing more, and that he'd never care for anyone like he did for me. I was reassured for the moment, and I told him about Seth. Ryan seemed a little jealous and overprotective at first, but then as I continued talking about him, he must have sensed that there was nothing going on. Especially when I told him that Seth had a huge crush on my friend Summer Roberts(who just recently came back from vacation with her mom).

We spent the last hour with me in Ryan's arms, looking out at the sunset. He told me he loved me, and even though we both didn't want to, we had to say our goodbyes. He promised me that he'd find a way to see me again, even if it meant walking all the way from Nevada to California. And as I watched him leave my house, I started crying.

And not because he was leaving, but because he ever came in the first place.

Marissa


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N So I'm horrible with posting on here…but I don't mean to be. It's just with all the little posts…I just forget sometimes. Anyways, now you've got a lot to read…so I'll let you get to that. Hope you like it…r/r and enjoy!**

March 23, 2002

Dear Diary,

I've had the worst week...take that back, worst month ever. Ryan's been calling, and ever since Valentines day, he's written me once a week, telling me how much he misses me and loves me. But I don't know anymore, I mean we're fourteen, how can we really LOVE each other. Sure, we care, sure we like each other, but does that mean we're in love? You'd think that I'd enjoy all of this attention from Ryan, but I either don't believe him, or just feel guilty for ever doubting him. I'm really hoping that this is just some phase I'm in, and soon I'll be sure that I'm in love with Ryan like I was before. But I'm not sure, and the fact that Luke seems to have become more sensitive to my feelings lately doesn't help either.

Marissa

April 25, 2002

Dear Diary,

What's wrong with me? I mean, I have this great guy, and all I do is hang out with Luke. Yeah, Luke Ward, the guy that I've despised since God only knows how long. And I tell Ryan about it, and he gets upset, which gets me even more upset. I don't know what's wrong with me, only that I need to change. I need to clear my head, and try to be with Ryan again, try to be happy with him again.

Before it gets too late.

Marissa

May 19, 2002

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to do anymore. This distance thing with Ryan and I, it's just not working. I need someone that can be here all the time, someone that I can be comforted by in person, someone that I can actually see. And I know that this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever thought before, but I'm beginning to think that Ryan and I should take a break, clear our heads, see other people. And who knows, if we see each other again someday, then maybe we are meant to be. I just don't know how to bring up this subject with him, he doesn't even know that anything's wrong.

Marissa

November 4, 2002

Dear Diary,

So I didn't tell Ryan that I'd break up with him, but I still think that we're pretty much over, or on a break or whatever. He called the other day and said that they're going to make him switch foster homes. He's now going to be living somewhere in Florida, and even I...who's really bad at geography...know that that's pretty far away. He said his social worker told him that his new family doesn't allow long distance phone calls, so he won't be able to call me. And I doubt that he'll find a way to come and see me. He told me he'll write as often as he can, but he's pretty sure this family doesn't want him having any connections with his past. So I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a while. As much as I thought Ryan and I shouldn't be together, I must say that this news has made me very sad. So, until I get over Ryan, I don't think I'll be able to write in this diary anymore. Not when it seems since the second entry, everything I write about is based off of him...

Marissa

P.S. I'll write again someday...it'll just be a while.

**A/N Okay people, this is a very important post. This story has three parts to it, and the first part just ended. The next part will take place in a couple of years**

May 18, 2005

Wow, it's been like...three years almost since I wrote in this last. A lot's happened in that time...and I mean a lot. To start off, my mom got remmarried, and so did my dad. My mom got married to some really rich guy...Bullet something I think. I wouldn't know though, since I rarely speak to either of them. I'm rarely home, I'm always at a party with Luke. Oh yeah, me and Luke are together now...it's a long story, but I bet you want to hear about it. The last time I wrote in this, I was just beginning to talk to him and see him as a person, and not some psycho animal thing.

So it started about a month after Ryan called and told me that he wasn't going to be able to keep in touch for a while. Luke was really helpful that month, and I guess you can say we became almost like friends. He took me to a party and we ended up kissing. Don't ask me why or how, but we did. I guess after that, I was kind of stuck with him...I didn't want to tell him no. So Luke finally got what he'd been saying would happen since we were little kids, I was his girlfriend.

About a year ago, I lost my virginity with him. I can't really remember much of it, just that I thought everything was so funny at that moment for some reason. I was really drunk...I woke up with a huge headache and an even bigger feeling of regret in the pit of my stomach. As I watched Luke sleep next to me that one morning, I figured that I loved him, and that I guess that's what people that love each other do...right? I mean, Luke and I, people say that we're going to get married someday, and we're going to have the perfect kids and the perfect life. I always smile and nod along, pretending to be thrilled with the idea. But really, if I'm honest, I don't know what love is still. With Ryan, I was probably too young...that was probably just puppy love. With Luke, I think I love him, but how can you really be sure?

What am I doing, questioning myself like this? I need to start thinking straight again. I haven't heard from Ryan since like December of 2002. He wrote me one last letter. I just found it the other day, and that's what made me decide to write in this again. I'll stick the letter in here, because even though I'm over Ryan, I just can't seem to throw the letter away.

Marissa

P.S. Reading the letter again made me cry, to know that I let him down. But he's the one that left, so I guess it isn't my fault. At least, I hope not.

**Dear Marissa, **

This is the last time I'll be able to talk to you in a long time. This letter isn't going to be long, but I just need to make sure of some things. You still have my other letter right? The one that promises that we'll be together again someday? I still believe that Marissa, and you should too. I mean, I love you like crazy, and I love this feeling, knowing that even though everyone in my life abandons me, you don't. That no matter what, you'll always be there waiting for me. So I guess this is it for a while, but I will be back, I promise.

P.S. Keep my letters, and remember my promises

June 5, 2005

Dear Diary,

Today, Seth and Summer seemed a little friendly if you ask me. Summer usually ignores Seth when I take him to parties and stuff, but today, she seemed really interested in him. I've always known that they'd end up together someday. They're perfect if you ask me, how they pretend to hate each other, but secretly have feelings for each other. It's really cute to watch them bicker all the time, and sneak glances at each other. That kind of sounds like what me and Ryan used to be like huh? Hmm, interesting.

Marissa

August 5, 2005

Dear Diary,

So Seth and Summer are officially a couple now. They told me themselves, plus...they seem to be all over each other. It's kind of gross really, but it's nice to see them finally admitting their feelings to each other. I'm really glad that they're happy...even if I'm not completely there myself. Luke and I are doing good I guess, but he keeps pressuring me to sleep with him again. His thoughts are that since we've already been together, we should do it again. I don't know why, but I just don't want to be with him in that way. The first time was already a mistake, and I don't want to make another one. I just feel that I should enjoy my life right now, and not worry about sex. If I want to, I will, but even though me and Luke are together, he's just not the person I want to share myself with in that way.

Oh yeah, and there's this guy that I saw today at a party, he looked familiar. He was about my height, and had blonde hair, I didn't get a good look at his face, but there's something about him that I feel like I know, but I just can't place it. He's been at a couple of parties, and I've seen him a couple of times. He's always standing in the back away from everyone, and when I look in his direction, he looks the other way for some reason. But out of the corner of my eye, I can always see him watching me. It's kind of weird, but sweet at the same time. I wish I knew who he was...

Marissa

September 23, 2005

Dear Diary,

So I talked to the guy today...and he's Ryan. I didn't know whether to be happy that he was here, or angry that he took so long to tell me. I was in the hallway during passing period, and I see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me with a smile. I was kind of like, 'this is cool, but I really think he should stop stalking me.' So I confront him, and I ask him who he is and why he's stalking me. He just smiles and asks if I still have his letters like he asked me. I just stand there, not getting what he's talking about...until I remember Ryan's letters. It was about that time that Luke comes up behind me and protectively puts his arm around my waist. The look on Ryan's face at that moment will stay with me forever...the hurt in his eyes. But come on...he's been here like all summer...he should know that me and Luke are together.

Anyways, so that was about the time that I decided that I was angry that he hadn't told me sooner. I told Luke that I needed to be alone, and I walked away, not wanting to be around Ryan anymore. They both didn't follow me, which I was thankful for. At the end of the day, I run into Ryan again, and I mean literally run into him too. He asks why I didn't wait for him...and I ask if he really waited for me. When he didn't answer, that was a big enough answer for me. I guess we're both not so innocent after all.

Marissa

December 1, 2005

Dear Diary,

I can't face Ryan, I just can't. I know that if I face him, I may say some things that I don't want to...I may confess some things. I'm just not ready for a relationship with him right now, I can't dump Luke. Luke hasn't done anything wrong...yet. Though he has now found out that it's actually Ryan that's come back...and of course he remembers him from all those years ago. He's starting to threaten me and Ryan now, saying that he'll make sure that Ryan doesn't steal me. Ryan always smirks and asks him why Luke should be so afraid that he'll take me away.

Ryan keeps becoming more and more persistant as time goes on. Every day he makes sure that we sit next to each other, and when we have to do a project for science class...he always makes sure that his hand brushes mine. The sparks that seem to go up my arm and my spine is something that I've only ever felt with him, but that makes me even more afraid to talk to him. He's always asking me what I'm afraid of...why I won't talk to him. I always say that I'm not afraid of him...which is partially true. I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me, I'm afraid that I'll hurt him. Because I doubted my love for him all those years ago...and look where that got me. I don't think I'll be able to get over him again this time...but I don't know if I've ever really gotten over him at all.

Marissa

December 8, 2005

Dear Diary,

So Ryan and I had a little chat today about the past. He asked me what my favorite memory of him being with me in Newport the last time was. It was in Science class, and he probably didn't expect for me to respond. He said that he thinks his was when he gave me the carnation. I had never known that he was the one that gave me those carnations. He said that even though he didn't own up to them, he still felt that just watching my reaction to recieving them was enough. He said that he still remembered the way my eyes sparkled and my smile made him happier than anything else.

When I stayed quiet, he continued with another story. He said that he loved it when we pretended that we were married. He said that he liked to pretend that I was the one he'd spend the rest of his life with, and that I was the last thing he saw each night, and the first thing he saw every morning. He told me that even though he was afraid to admit it back then, that he loved me so much that it scared him...especially since he was just thirteen.

As he turned back to his work, feeling that he'd bothered me enough, I spoke up and said that I remembered everything like it was just yesterday. I looked at him at that moment for what feels like the first time in three years, and I really could see the love shining out of his eyes. I said that I couldn't just leave Luke though, that I didn't even know if I still loved him, or if I really ever did. He didn't say anything for a while, just looked at me. And when I felt that i was lost in his eyes, he asked if I still had his letters. When I said that I did, he said that was answer enough. I didn't have a chance to ask him what he meant, because the bell rang.

I can't still be in love with Ryan can I?

Marissa

December 10, 2005

Dear Diary,

I went to this party today, and let's just say, it was very eventful. It starts out with me and Luke hanging out with the normal kids we hang out with, and then Ryan enters. I must say, in his black shirt and jeans, he was hot. I mean, really hot. Luke must have seen me staring or something, because he gets all possesive and such. A couple of hours and about five beers later, Luke was drunk...and it gave me the chance to sneak off and talk to Ryan. I went up to him and he asked me if I was sure about how I felt about him yet. I told him that I still wasn't sure, and he said that was fine...that he'd leave me alone and let me decide for myself. The next thing you know, some girl walks by and gives him a really flirty smile. Ryan says that I should get back to him, and walks off with the girl. I watched them go out to the beach, and I felt jealous for some reason.

I found them about half an hour later, full on making out. It really hurt to see them that way, so I went inside and found Luke. I took him out to the beach, and in a place that I was sure Ryan could see, I started kissing Luke. Ryan saw us, I made sure that he did, but he didn't say or do anything. He just took the girl inside, and I followed him, not caring if Luke was watching. I went up to him and asked him what he thought he was doing with another girl. He just smiled and asked me if I was sure of my feelings yet. When I didn't reply, he took the girl by the hand and said, "There we have it then." And left the party and me behind.

Marissa

December 11, 2005

Dear Diary,

I really don't know why I'm so upset that Ryan was with that other girl. I mean...I'm with Luke, and he's free to kiss anyone he wants to. But it's the thought of him having his lips on someone elses other than mine that gets to me. And the fact that he left with her to do God knows what really bothers me. Maybe last night should tell me something. Maybe I should talk to Ryan about the way I feel, before I lose him forever.

Marissa

December 13, 2005

Dear Diary,

So I kinda sorta talked to Ryan today...if you call arguing talking. I was really going to tell him how I felt, that I think I may have feelings for him...when I saw him with that girl again. Gosh...I really just want to give that girl a piece of my mind...the slut. Anyways, Ryan saw me and walked away from the girl and went over to where I was. He asked me if I'd made up my mind yet...and I asked him if he was going out with that girl. He laughed and told me that he doesn't really date...unless it's me of course. I was still pretty mad about him being with her, so I never really told him that I had feelings for him. I just sort of hinted that I didn't like the idea of him being with another girl. He smiled and told me that I was so cute when I was jealous. I was defensive and said that I wasn't jealous, but Ryan always knows when I'm lying. He told me that I'd have to choose sooner or later, and then walked off.

I hate it when he's right.

Marissa

December 14, 2005

Dear Diary,

So I think I may have kind of sort of blurted out that I was in love with Ryan today. It was by complete accident too, and I really regret saying it. Ryan and I had to do this project for science after school and he came to my house. We were doing fine too, I mean really good, we were getting along and laughing and having fun. Somehow or another, he started tickling me. I haven't been tickled in a long time either, and for Ryan to have his hands on my body evoked feelings that I've never felt before. We got really serious, and just sort of lay there...with him on top of me, and stared at each other. I don't know what came over me in that second, but I told him that I loved him...and then kissed him. It wasn't like when we were younger either, it was a passionate and tender kiss. It was a kiss that left me wanting more...a whole lot more if you know what I mean. But as much as I loved the feeling of Ryan pressed up against me, and his hands going through my hair, I kept thinking of how this was cheating on Luke. So I stopped the kissing before anything more could come from it.

Even though I wanted more than anything to stay in Ryan's arms forever.

Marissa

December 18, 2005

Dear Diary,

I tried to end it with Luke, I really did...I just couldn't for some reason. Whenever I try to, he's always turning around and talking to someone else, and forgetting that I need to talk to him. That, or he's drunk and starts making random conversation to me about how blue the sky is, or how dark it is outside. Like I said, I really haven't been able to break up with him.

Meanwhile, me and Ryan are sort of sneaking around. I tell him that I'm trying to end it with Luke, and he asks me if I love Luke...and I always say no. It's true, I don't love Luke, not even a little bit. He was just my rebound guy, that's all. Ryan and I walked along the beach holding hands yesterday as the sun was setting. I think it was the first time in three years that I've been able to truly smile and be happy with someone. The way he makes me feel, is something that I'd forgotten. I can't believe I ever doubted his love for me, ever doubted my love for him. After all these years, I've just come to realize that our love is stronger than it was when we were younger. Ryan's always telling me how beautiful I look, and always smiling every time he's around me. We talk about random things, not really caring what the other says. It's amazing really. I'm going to break up with Luke soon, as soon as I can.

Because I can't lose Ryan, not again.

Marissa

December 23, 2005

Dear Dairy,

So I ended it with Luke today...and I know it wasn't perfect timing considering Christmas Eve is tomorrow, but I just had to get it over with. See, Ryan told me that unless I broke up with Luke, I couldn't kiss him...which is really hard to do. It's like torture. So I broke up with Luke as soon as I could, which was today. He wasn't exactly thrilled either. He ended up threatening me and Ryan when he realized that that's why I wanted to break up with him. I feel like when I was smaller, Luke threatening me because I'm with Ryan. It turned out well last time...or at least the Luke thing, not he part about Ryan leaving. But things are different this time, me and Ryan will go to the same college, and all will be well. Which reminds me, I need to talk to Ryan about that...

Marissa

December 25, 2005

Dear Diary,

So today's Christmas...or Chrismukkah in Seth's world. Last night me, Ryan, and my mom went to the Cohen's house and had Christmas Eve dinner and stuff. We're going back today. Last night, Ryan and I were basically inseparable. When we ate dinner, we sat next to each other and held hands under the table. When we were all sitting in the living room, just talking, I was sitting in between Ryan's legs, and leaning back onto him. He would kiss my neck every once in a while, and I'd have a shiver go down my spine. Then, after everyone left, he took me to the house he was staying at, and he had a mistletoe in his room. I of course, gladly kissed him...can't mess with Christmas tradition now can we?

Marissa

December 27, 2005

Dear Diary,

Christmas was fun. We all went to the Cohen house again, and Seth and Ryan were getting along really well. Me and Summer were talking about me and Ryan, and she says we're a cute couple. When we opened presents, me and Ryan decided to wait because we wanted to exchange gifts alone. For Ryan, I bought him a really nice watch and gave him a picture of the two of us together in a frame that has the words...true love...engraved in it. He really liked it, and kissed me for it. Then he held out this really small box, one that rings come in. He opened it, and there was a promise ring in it. Engraved in it were the words...even now. He said that whenever I doubted him or his love, all I had to do was look down at my ring and see those words and know that he loved me, even now. I kissed him, and we just cuddled up on my bed for a long time, me looking at my ring with the biggest smile on my face...and Ryan just holding me.

When it was late, and he needed to go, I had walked him to the car. When we kissed goodbye, he told me that someday soon, I'd have a real ring, and we'd finally be able to be together forever..

Marissa

December 30, 2005

Dear Diary,

So tomorrow is New Years Eve. Ryan and I are going to go to some party with Summer and Seth at Holly's beach house. Luke's going to be there, and I'm really not looking forward to seeing him. He's still spreading the word that Ryan Atwood is going to pay for stealing his girlfriend. I personally think that he's just embarassed that can be taken away so easily. But what can I say about that, I've been in love with Ryan since I was thirteen, of course I'm going to leave Luke. Oh well, I tell Ryan my fears about Luke, and he always reassures me that everything will be okay. As long as I have him by my side, I'm pretty sure he's right.

Marissa


	9. Chapter 9

-1**So I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry.**

_January 1, 2006_

Dear Diary,

It's 2006! And the year 2005 ended with a big bang...or a better choice of words, a big thud.

Ryan and I went to that party at Holly's house. We were having a good time for a while there, dancing, and making out of course. Then Luke showed up, and we tried to stay out of his way. Ryan didn't want to get involved with any Luke drama...but I guess he didn't realize that he was already in the middle of it. Anyways, Luke started drinking, and soon became very drunk...and he's not very nice when he's drunk. He started bothering me and Ryan, and we were just sitting on the couch, not bothering anyone. He told Ryan that he had to pay, and Ryan just kept rolling his eyes and smirking at him.

They started counting down...ten seconds..9, 8, 7...and so on. And right when they shouted Happy New Years...Luke punched Ryan in the stomach. This of course started a buch of fighting to go on...cause Ryan's not one to get puched and do nothing about it. It was different from the time when we were younger, now there were no teachers or adults around. So Ryan hit Luke back, and then Luke tried to hit Ryan, but missed and ended up hitting some other drunk guy. Then the other drunk guy started hitting random people, and Ryan took this as our cue to get out of there.

He drove me to the beach, and we sat at the Lifeguard Station. We looked out at the water, and I can't remember a better time in my life. I thanked Ryan for dealing with Luke, and he just smiled at me. We just sat there for a while, and then he turns to me and says that I owe him a kiss because he didn't get to kiss me at midnight. I gladly gave it to him.

Marissa

_January 3, 2006_

Dear Diary,

Ryan and I are going to have to go back to school soon...which really sucks. It's been really nice this whole Winter Holiday to just sit back and relax, and have fun with each other. Like today, we walked along the beach...which Ryan insisted we do. He said that even though it's kind of chilly outside, didn't mean that we couldn't make the best of it. I was still kind of wary of the idea when we were doing it, especially since I was cold. I kept complaining, and Ryan went and put his arm around me, and I felt shivers, but not from being cold. Suddenly I found myself snug and warm.

Marissa

January 27, 2006

_Dear Diary,_

Ryan and I have gone back to school, and it hasn't been so bad. There is one thing that really bothered me though. There was a guy that came representing the army, and Ryan seemed to be really enjoying his presentation. We passed notes, and here was the paper...

**Do you think we'd get in trouble if I hold your hand?-Ryan**

Yeah, a little...-Marissa

What if I don't care though? Would you let me?-Ryan

Hmm, I don't know...maybe :)-Marissa

There, I'm holding your hand, was that so bad?-Ryan

It is kind of hard to write though-Marissa

We'll just have to deal then-Ryan

Argh, is this guy ever going to leave...he's seriously putting me to sleep.-Marissa

I kind of like his presentation though.-Ryan

What do you mean you like it?-Marissa

I like the idea of the army. You know, serving your country, giving back...-Ryan

If you want to give back, do community service. You don't have to serve in the Army of Marines or anything like that.-Marissa

But what if I want to?-Ryan

What's that supposed to mean?-Marissa

Don't get mad, and don't say you're not, I see you.-Ryan

Sorry if I don't like the idea of you going off to war and killiing yourself.-Marissa

I won't get killed, and I'm not even joining yet. Maybe we really should just pay attention to the assembly now before we get into an argument in front of all these people.-Ryan

Whatever.-Marissa

I love you :)-Ryan

Suck up...:)-Marissa

I do my best.-Ryan

_After the assembly, we didn't bring up the topic of the Army again. But in the note, he said something that really made me upset and kind of scared. He used the word yet..._

Marissa 

_February 14, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_Love is in the air...and Ryan's being just the sweetest guy on earth. He bought me flowers, candy, and wrote me a little card. I'm still kind of upset about the whole army thing, and the card just made me a little more worried..._

_**Happy Valentines Day!**_

_**I love you, and to think, four years ago I was riding with a truck driver just to tell you that. I know in the future we may not be able to tell each other on the daily basis, but I do, and no matter what we do or join...my love for you will always stay the same.**_

_**Ryan**_

_Notice the word 'join'...I hope I'm just being paranoid._

_Marissa_

_February 20, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_Ryan and I haven't seen much of each other lately. We've been so busy with school lately. We have this huge project and we're stuck with different partners. But the next free moment I get, I need to talk to him about this whole Army thing. I just want us to go back to the way we were before that assembly._

_Marissa_

_February 23, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_So me and Ryan talked today. It all started in English class(which we now have together) when we were told to write a paper on what we were going to do after high school. It wasn't going to be graded on length or content, but rather just the grammar and stuff. The teacher called upon Ryan to read his paper, which he gave to me after she graded it. This is Ryan's paper..._

**What am I going to do after high school? I could go to college, or I could get a job. I could join the peace core, or go traveling. What I'm going to do though is join the Army. I'm going to be the guy that you see on base saluting the sergeants. I'm going to be the guy in that camouflaged uniform that you pass on the street. I'm going to be the guy to keep my country safe.**

**You may ask me questions about my motivations. You may want to know why I would risk my own life for yours, and for our country's freedom. Ever since I was little, I always respected the guys in the service. I was always honored to be in their presence, always amazed to see them. These were the guys that were out there protecting my freedom, my country. I always thought they were 'cool' as some would say.**

**Then, September 11 came around. Like everyone else, I was devastated by the news. Terrorists had attacked our country, had sent us down on our knees. How could they do this to us? But I had personal connections to that day. My father was in one of the towers when it fell. He died along with many others. I was angry and upset. How could this happen to my country?**

**So I decided right there and then in front of that TV that I was going to serve my country when I came of age. I was going to do my best to make sure that something like that never happened again, that no one else would feel the pain of losing their loved one like I did that day. **

**I know there's danger involved, that's obvious. I know I'm going to be surrounded by exploding cars, people, and houses. I know that I'm going to be shot at, spit on, yelled at, and worked to the bone. But I'm proud to say that in our ten year high school reunion, I'll walk in with a smile on my face knowing that I finally did something right.**

_The whole time he read the paper, he would glance at me to see my reaction. At the end of the paper, when he came and sat down next to me, I asked to go to the restroom. I just couldn't believe that he was going to join the army. I didn't want to believe that he could go off to war and die._

_After school, I tried avoiding him. I figured if I avoided him now, that when the time does come, I don't have to worry about being sad that he's leaving. I just won't be with him by then. But then he came to my house, and wouldn't leave until I talked to him. _

_He sat me down and told me how it is. He wanted to serve his country. He wanted his dad to be proud of him. He wanted his foster parents to be proud of him. And then he put his arm around me tenderly and said that he wanted me to be proud of him. _

_I started crying then, and he comforted me. I asked what I'd do when he was off at war, and he said that I'd go about life in my normal way. I'd start college, and still hang out with Summer. He told me that he'd email me, and send letters. He said that he understood if I didn't wait for him, but I immediately told him that I would wait for him. I told him that I'd be going to Berkeley with Seth and Summer, and that I'd wait until the day that he could join us. He told me that everything would be okay, that he wouldn't go off and die._

_Now I just need to make myself believe him._

_Marissa_

_March 1, 2006_

Dear Diary,

Things between Ryan and I are strained right now. For the past week it seems, all I could think about was...what if I lose him? What if he goes off to war and never comes back? I just wouldn't be able to cope. I've lost Ryan before, I don't want to lose him again...not forever. I just have the hardest time kissing him and talking to him now. He always seems hurt, but I think he understands. I just need to clear my head before we can talk. I need to know exactly what I'm going to say to him.

Marissa

_March 5, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_Ryan and I finally talked today. It started right after school, and he was supposed to drive me home like he always did, but instead he drove to the beach and took me to the lifeguard station. He told me that we needed to talk, and I knew he was right. He didn't' put his arm around me, because he must've known that it wouldn't do us any good for him to do that. He just sat there and waited for me to say something, so I eventually did._

_I told him that I loved him. I told him that I understood why he was going into the army, but I was also scared. I told him that I couldn't bare to lose him after everything we've been through together. I told him that he helped me through all the hard times, and I couldn't stand the thought of him not being able to help me through hard times during and after college. I told him that I supported whatever he did, even though it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do._

_And then he smiled at me. He told me that he was glad that I understood why he had to do what he was doing. He said that he loved me too, and that he promised things would be okay. One year he said. Only one year he would be gone. He said that he'd already talked to some guys at one of the army bases and they already had him signed up for after high school to leave on May 25. Then he put his arm around me, and kissed me in a way that made me light headed and giddy._

_One year. That's all I need to worry about. I keep trying to push thoughts out of my head that anything could happen in a year. I'm going to enjoy these last couple of months with Ryan, because I hear a voice deep inside me that keeps saying that these next couple of months might be our last._

_Marissa_

_April 15, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_One month and ten days...that's all we have left. I'm scared to death but at the same time me and Ryan have been having the most amazing time together. We go to the beach and walk along the shore line with Ryan's arm around my waist, keeping me warm when it gets cold. We go to the movies and go to the diner. We even hang out with Seth and Summer from time to time and watch old movies at Seth's house._

_Ryan told him foster parents the other day what he'd decided to do after they graduated, and it was really an emotional time. The woman that was taking care of him hugged him and cried, praying that he'd come home okay. The woman's husband stood there with his back straight and a large, proud smile on his face. I could tell that Ryan looked up to this guy the way he'd looked up to his own father back before he died._

_Then we went and told my mom...who I have actually become closer to these past couple of years. She pulled me aside and asked if I was okay with it, and I didn't know how to answer her. I mean, supporting Ryan and being okay with him leaving are two entirely different things. That was when I turned and saw Ryan sitting on our couch, looking at some television show. That's when I knew that I was okay with Ryan going, I was finally alright with it, I'd come to terms with him leaving._

_Because Ryan promised to come back home, and Ryan would never break a promise._

_Marissa_

_May 1, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_The dreaded month is here, no just kidding. It isn't really that bad right? I mean, Ryan's gonna come back before I know it...just a year...that's all. Anyways, so Ryan and I have been spending every possible second together. He eats all meals of the day with me, spends all the time possible in school with me, and spends all available time at home with me. It's not like I'm complaining or anything, I love Ryan's presence with me._

_Graduation is in seventeen days. I'm pretty excited, yet really nervous at the same time. I mean, I'm going to be going to college after this, and that's a really big step. It's an even bigger step without Ryan there with me...but at least I'll have Summer and Seth. We're going to go to a graduation party, and then Ryan and I will go off to the beach or something alone afterwards. _

_Then we'll only have a week left...which is kind of scary._

_Marissa_

_May 18, 2006,_

_Dear Diary,_

_So today we all graduated! Thank god, I was beginning to get tired of high school...four years is a lot longer than it sounds. So anyways, today has probably been the most amazing, fun, perfect, fantastic day ever. Why am I so happy you may ask? It may have a little something to do with the fact that I have a naked Ryan sleeping in my bed right now..._

_So it all started after graduation. Me, Ryan, Seth, and Summer had decided that we wanted to go eat something at the diner together and then go to the graduation party. So we all went to the diner and ordered our regular dinner and talked about the future together. Ryan was beaming when he talked about joining the army, and I felt so proud of him. He was doing something that was going to make a difference while the rest of us are just going to college. Not that college isn't making a difference...but I think you get what I mean._

_So we went to the graduation party together, and somehow or another I got Ryan onto the dance floor. I have never danced like that with anyone before, and it was pretty fun. We were so close together, pressed up so tightly against each other that I was sure we'd melt together. We danced almost the entire time together, and were hot and sweaty by the time the party was over._

_But we didn't want the fun to end there, so we said goodbye to Seth and Summer and decided to watch movies at my house since my mom was out (she'd left for a quick vacation after my graduation). We actually did watch some of the movie, but that's when I noticed that Ryan was beginning to stop watching the movie and start watching me. _

_When I looked at him, he smiled and I could see something that I couldn't quite place for a while. It was pure love for me, and once I realized it, I felt happy and giddy._

_Then Ryan kissed me...and the rest is history. We made love. It wasn't just sex like it was with Luke, it was us showing our love for each other. When I was in his arms, I felt like I could do anything, like we would last forever together. I felt like everything was going to be okay, and that we would get through all this army drama and whatever else is thrown our way._

_Now he's starting to wake up...and he smiling at me. I've got to go...I think someone's up for another round..._

_Marissa_

_May 25, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_So today I said goodbye to Ryan. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This past week has just been so perfect, I never wanted it to end...it's not fair that it has to end. We've stayed every night together, making love until we're so exhausted that we just collapse on each other and fall into a deep sleep until late the next day. I had actually thought it my head that maybe he wouldn't leave, but of course he did._

_When I saw him off at the airport, people were cheering around us because they saw Ryan in his uniform and were all thanking him. It made me tear up to see how tall Ryan stood when he saw all those people smiling at him, honoring him, respecting him. When we said goodbye, he promised me that he'd be back in a year, and we'd pick up right where we left off. I believed him too, so I tried to stay strong and show him how much I truly did._

_When he left, he gave me this kiss that made me dizzy and weak to the knees. It's been three hours and I already miss him..._

_Marissa_

_June 27, 2006_

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm sorry I haven't been written in this in over a month...I've just been really sick. Without Ryan here, it all just felt worse too. I miss him like crazy, but he's sending me emails and stuff so I can't really complain about that. Here's one of his latest ones..._

_**Dear Marissa,**_

_**How're you doing? I miss you a lot, and I hope you miss me too. Life in Iraq is hard, but I'll survive...really, I will. But I don't want to talk about Iraq, I want to talk about something that isn't depressing, because believe me, that's all I ever get. So I want you to write back to me and tell me about your life, about your summer. I want you to tell me what's going on with you and your mom and Seth and Summer. I want to know everything that I'm missing.**_

_**It was hard leaving you, it really was, but I'm glad I did it. I think that if we can get through this whole army thing, then we can get through everything. I go to bed at night looking at your picture. I carry it around with me wherever I go. I keep it in one of my uniform pockets, and it's like it keeps me safe. Some of the things I've seen make you happy to have a little comfort sometimes.**_

_**My sergeant is calling me, so I have to go. But know I love you and I miss you. We'll be together soon, already less than 11 months.**_

_**Ryan**_

_He writes me once a week, and I print some of the emails out and keep them in a special place for when I need reassurance. _

_I've been sick lately, really sick. I'm always tired and I become nauseous. I told Summer about it the other day, and she joked that I could be pregnant. I told her that it was impossible because Ryan and I used protection...but then I remembered that one time we didn't and I forgot to take the pill afterwards. I then tried to remember the last time I had my period, and I couldn't even do that it's been so long._

_So I went out and bought a pregnancy test yesterday, and I'm currently waiting to find out the results to it. I'm really nervous, what if I am pregnant? What would I do...I mean, Ryan's off in Iraq doing God knows what and I'm here all alone. I'm supposed to go to college, I'm supposed to have a future without a kid...at least for now. I'm only eighteen._

_The time has passed and the results are..._

_Oh crap, I'm pregnant._

_Marissa_

**A/N again...did you see that coming?**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Okay, it's been a while again, but from now on, I am going to try my best to post on here more often. Since the Fox OC message boards are closed, I will probably try to remember to post here more often anyways. Okay, now about the story. The story was meant to have three parts. Part one was when they were younger and ended when Ryan went to Florida. Part two was when Marissa and Ryan got back together in senior year and ended when Marissa found out she was pregnant. Part three is when they have Jamie and will end soon probably. I plan on doing maybe four or five months left in the story, maybe a little more. Okay, I think I've said everything, so enjoy.**

Dear Diary,

I am now the proud mother of Jamie Atwood. Well I wouldn't say proud...or even happy sometimes, but you get the point. I'm now a mother. I'm eighteen and have a four week old baby. Jamie was born on November 14 at 3:50 A.M. and weighed six pounds and three ounces. She's the perfect blend of me and Ryan...I just wish he was here to see her.

Ryan's doing fine as far as I know. He still writes emails every week, but I don't write him back. It's too hard to do that...to carry on a relationship when you're pregnant and then when you're a mother of a newborn. He actually doesn't know about Jamie at all...I may have not told him about her when I did email.

Speaking of emails, the last one I wrote Ryan was six months ago. I wonder what he feels sometimes when he checks his email to see that there isn't anything from me. He still writes every week though. I can look forward to a new email from him every Monday. Maybe he feels like he should keep writing just incase I decide to email back. Maybe it takes his mind off of things...or maybe he emails just so I know that he's still alive.

I haven't written in this thing in a very long time. I had been searching through my room last night and found this in my dresser drawer. I guess I've been kind of busy and when I wasn't busy I was moody and when I wasn't moody I was asleep. Oh well, I guess that's alright. It's not like you can protest or anything.

So my mom took to being a grandmother pretty well. She helps me with Jamie by babysitting when I need to sleep or buying supplies and providing a home for me and my beautiful baby. But biggest of all...my mom didn't disown me like I half expected her to. I mean...my mom has always been that way. She's always made it clear that if I do something like this, it just isn't acceptable. I wonder what changed her heart.

Speaking of a heart...have you ever loved someone so much that it scares you? I felt that way when I was with Ryan...but he always made me feel safe and at home. But with Jamie...I'm the one that's supposed to protect her and that scares me sometimes. I mean...I couldn't' even be responsible enough for her not to happen in the first place...even though I'm very happy that she's here.

I can't really say that I miss Ryan. I mean...I miss the way his lips felt and the way he held me after we'd make love...and God I miss making love with him...but I'm okay. See, even in Ryan never comes back from war or does and doesn't want me anymore...I still have Jamie.

So I'll always carry a part of Ryan with me.

Marissa

P.S. Here's Ryan's last email.

Another week has passed which means another week closer to our reunion. I'm doing fine...I'm hoping you are too. It would really help if you sent me an email, but I'm sure you're really busy right now. Anyways, I don't' have a lot of time right now...we're shipping off early in the morning for a very important mission and I need my sleep.

I love you,

Ryan

Dear Diary,

Today was Christmas...Jamie's first Christmas. I got her some outfits and stuff and my mom did the same with me. I don't have a lot of time...so this is going to be short and to the point. I love spending Christmas with my baby and all my friends and family...but I missed someone important to me today.

Ryan...

Dear Diary,

So I finally wrote to Ryan, here's the email.

I love you. I know you haven't heard me say it to you in a while, and haven't read it because I haven't written, but I deeply love you, and I hope you know that….god I hope you know that. I know I haven't written in a long time, and I'm really sorry for that. I don't have a lot of time right now, but there are some things that I think I should write to you, things that I think you should know.

A lot has happened since you left. I've done something kind of bad Ryan….I kept something from you. Don't worry, it isn't a secret love affair or anything like that, I would never do that to you. It's just something that I don't know if you'll be too happy with me about…but the thing is I can't tell you what it is just yet. I need you to come home first.

I think I know why I didn't write you for a long time. When you were back home and before this whole army thing happened I thought about how great if felt to be in your arms and how horrible it would be if I lost you. I would sit down and go through all the possible scenarios of you dying in my head and was always so scared that they'd come true. But the thing is, every night I went to bed with the thought that you would never die, you couldn't. That was some sad, tragic thing that happened in books and movies, not in real life to real people. But then you joined the army and left, and the fear that you'd die became so much more real because you were in a greater risk than before.

So when you left, I didn't write a lot. I guess I figured if I didn't let myself get too close to you while you were away, I would slowly start to be able to live without you. That way, if something did happen to you, I'd be alright, I'd already know that I could survive life without you. But over the months, I just couldn't help but check my email every week to make sure that you were there, that you were still alright….that I still had a chance in seeing you again.

So I finally learned that if I let myself love you the way you deserve to be loved, then I couldn't possibly lose you because even if you did die (which you won't), I'd still have memories of you fresh in my heart. I'd still have your words on paper from the emails that I've printed….I'd still have a piece of your heart with me.

There are things that you don't know right now, but please make it home so you can find them out.

Love,

Marissa

Dear Diary,

It's getting close to Valentines day again, and that just seems to make me depressed. It's one thing to live without Ryan on normal days of the year, but the biggest couples holiday ever is going to be really hard. I got Ryan's reply to my emial, and of course, he was just so sweet.

Hey, you finally wrote me back, I was starting to get a little worried about your feelings for me. After all these months I was beginning to wonder if maybe there was someone else keeping you occupied and too busy to write to me. It gets lonely here, not having someone to love. That's why I was always so hopeful when I'd look for your emails because I always figured that today would be the day you decided that I was worth writing to. I'm glad that day finally came.

I love you to, I always have, and I always will. Remember the ring I gave you? That's supposed to mean something right, at least that's what I intended. You don't have to be scared of me dying and leaving you forever Marissa, I would never do that to you. I couldn't do that to myself, knowing in my last moments that I'd let you down. You mean too much to me to do that.

So you have something to tell me huh? I hope it's not too bad...but I'm sure it won't be. I mean, what besides an affair could you hide from me right? I just want you to know that you can tell me anything you want to, nothing could change the way I feel for you.

I have to go now, things have been really busy lately.

I love you,

Ryan

Jamie started crying, so I have to go and take care of her. I hardly ever get a minute to myself anymore...

Dear Diary,

So Ryan wrote an email that told me that he'd come home on May 17. I was so excited and happy that I actually jumped up and down when I read it. It's actually a funny and cute story, so I'll tell you just what happened.

So I was kind of depressed that today was Valentines day and I decided to check for an email from Ryan, and I had one stating that he'd be coming home on the seventeenth of May. Jamie was in the room in her crib (it was in my room...didn't want her to be alone), and I got up out of the chair and jumped up and down laughing and crying in happiness that Ryan was going to come home in just over three months.

I went over to Jamie who was watching me and told her that daddy was coming home. Though she'd never met Ryan, she'd seen his picture, I made sure of that. But when I told her that daddy was coming home, I showed her the picture and like she was registering what happened, she started smiling and reaching for the picture, cooing the whole time. It's like she knew that Ryan was finally coming home, and it was such a special moment.

I picked her up after that and held her while I read to her Ryan's letter. As I did, I looked at her and noticed how similar her and Ryan looked. It's amazes me when I look at her sometimes how I feel like I see a little Ryan in girl form staring back at me.

Three months, three days. That's all I need to wait now for Ryan to see Jamie and hold me in his arms once again.

Marissa

So I know Valentines day is going to suck for the both of us, but I finally have some good news. I'm coming home on May 17! Only a little over three months until I'm with you again and we can talk face to face and I can hold you...we can make love. Gosh I miss you so much. I can't talk long, I'm busy again. I know that my emails have been getting shorter and shorter, but I'm just getting busier and busier. Don't worry, soon it won't matter anyways.

I love you,

Dear Diary,

I got an email from Ryan the other day, but all it said was, 'Less than three months till I see you again.' and then it had his name on there of course. That's okay with me though, as long as I know he's alright and coming home soon, I don't need long and detailed emails.

Jamie's doing good. She's growing up so fast and it really makes me emotional sometimes. I can't wait until Ryan meets her.


	11. Chapter 11

-1_March 22, 2007 (my bday, lol)_

Dear Diary,

So Jamie is doing really well. The other day I gave her a toy and she actually grasped onto it. She is so funny sometimes how she makes all those little baby noises and gurgles and amuses herself with them. She smiles when I walk into the room and lifts her arms up to be carried. It's so amazing and she's growing up so fast that I sometimes wish Ryan was here to see.

But he'll be here soon, less than two months now.

Marissa

_April 17, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Ryan's coming home in one month! One more month, that's all I have to wait now. It's so amazing to think of, and I have the biggest smile on my face right now. Jamie just fell asleep so I figured it was about time that I updated this. It's been kind of long.

So Seth and Summer came and visited not too long ago over spring break. Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to say that I'm not really going to college this year. I'm thinking of maybe starting in the fall with Ryan or taking some type of online classes. With Jamie being so young and Ryan being gone, it's kind of hard as is...it'll be even harder if I was off at college without my mom's help.

Speaking of my mom, she really amazes me sometimes. She offered a month in advance to watch Jamie on the day that Ryan comes back so that I can find the right way to tell him about her and we can have the night to ourselves. To think all those years ago I used to think she hated me and now I think the complete opposite. She really does love me, and I appreciate her for that. Without her, I don't know what I'd do. My opinions have really changed huh?

Jamie looks more and more like Ryan everyday. Mom says she sees me in her too, but I don't think so. She is so Ryan's child, and I love her more than anything for that. Jamie has made Ryan leaving so much easier. At least I have someone to keep me company when I get lonely, someone to talk to, someone to have fun with. She can never replace Ryan, but she is really easy to love. 

Ryan wrote another email, but my printer isn't working at the moment so I can't print it out and place it in here. Maybe I will when I get it fixed. It basically said that he couldn't wait to come home and that he loved me and was glad we were finally going to be together.

I love him so much.

Marissa

_May 16, 2007_

Dear Diary,

I'm really bad with keeping this thing up. I'm always so busy and when I'm not busy, I just have no motivation to write at all. But whatever, tomorrow Ryan's coming back! In twenty four hours I will be in his arms, kissing him, talking to him, touching him...it's just making me go crazy with the thought. I can't wait, I mean, I seriously can't wait. This day has gone by so slow and I just want it to be over already...even though I know that I probably won't sleep tonight.

I was with Jamie earlier today and I told her that daddy was coming home tomorrow. I then picked her up and showed her the picture of Ryan which she held her hands out to. Then she started babbling and talking her little baby language and I laughed so she started laughing too. I love having moments like that and I love the sound of her laugh. I love her so much, more than I ever thought possible when I first became pregnant.

I've been counting down the days until Ryan comes back home. I've been so happy that my mom looks at me strangely sometimes before laughing at my behavior. She must notice the way that I seem to skip from place to place with the biggest grin on my face. She always tells me that she wishes she was in love with someone like I am. She's married, but it's far from love that she has for her husband.

Less than twenty four hours...

Marissa

_May 17, 2007_

Dear Diary,

I think it's really the eighteenth right now, but oh well, it doesn't really matter right? I have a little down time right now since Ryan's sleeping so I decided to write in this. I know you must be dying from the suspense of me meeting with Ryan again...even if you are just a diary.

So in case you didn't notice, Ryan's back. Yes, that's right, he's back and currently sleeping...naked...in my bed. It turned out to be a truly amazing day really. I went and picked him up at the airport and that alone was great. I had been waiting for him as close as I could get to the gate and when I saw him, it's like everything and everyone else melted away. And like in those romance novels, our eyes met, we connected, and he ran to me and took me into his arms. We shared a kiss that was so passionate and deep and good that I thought I'd melt away into him.

Of course we stood there, kissing and just holding each other for like five minutes. I think the people at the airport were torn between being really annoyed with us for being in their way and being happy for us for finally reuniting. People watched Ryan like he was a hero because he was still in his uniform (and he looked really hot), and Ryan just smiled at them and kept walking. You could tell he was uncomfortable, but Ryan can get kind of shy around so many people.

We walked hand in hand and got his bags and everything. We dropped them off at my house after I said he should stay with me. He was a little uncomfortable staying at my mom's house, but I reassured him that it would be fine with her. Besides, I knew that when I did tell him about Jamie, he'd want to be as close to her as possible.

After Ryan changed, we went out to the beach and walked along the water like we always used to. He kept telling me how much he loved me and missed me, and I kept smiling and telling him how much I missed him too. I kept blinking, thinking that this was a dream and that i'd wake up to find out that Ryan still wasn't home yet, but he is, and for that I'm completely happy.

I can't tell you how many kisses we shared today. It was like we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I'd be in the middle of saying something and then suddenly Ryan's lips would be against mine and my arms would go around his neck. The same thing applied when he'd be talking. We have a lot of time to make up for. 

We ate pizza for dinner, neither of us wanting to go out and get something once we got back to the house. I don't know where my mom was at that time, but she must have known that I needed my time with Ryan after so long apart. After we ate we made love. Gosh it was so amazing, and I knew I had missed it and everything, but now I can't believe I went so long without doing it.

In the end I didn't tell Ryan about Jamie. I'm going to do that tomorrow when we wake up probably. I wonder what his reaction will be to her...

I have to go, my hand is starting to cramp and Ryan's tossing and turning in bed. I need to make sure he's alright...oh, he just woke up...

Marissa

_May 18, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Wow, I'm on a roll with updating this thing huh? I again have some free time because Ryan's asleep and Jamie's asleep as well. So, time to fill you in on a truly emotional day. The emotions were both good and bad. Some kind of made me cry. 

So it all starts out with Ryan tossing and turning next to me in bed. Remember yesterday when I said I needed to check on him? Well when we went back to sleep, he started doing it again. He gets sweaty too and mumbles stuff in his sleep. When I woke up this morning, he was already awake, staring at the ceiling like something was bothering him. When I asked him about it, he just shook his head and smiled, saying he was waiting for me to wake up. I don't know if I really believe him, but at the moment I didn't want to protest.

So then I tell Ryan that we should go get breakfast at the diner like old times. I made sure that he didn't get a look into Jamie's room just yet because I wanted to wait until after breakfast to tell him. So we go get our normal breakfast and everything and the whole time I'm really nervous about how I should tell him. Ryan picks up on it and puts his arm around me and kisses me. He really knows how to make me feel so much better sometimes.

That's when I realized that no matter what I say or when I say it the message is the same. So we start back for the house and I tell Ryan that there's something that I've been keeping from him. He looks at me kind of worried like and asks me what it is. By then we were back at my mom's house and I see my mom in the living room with Jamie. I give my mom a look that says that we need to be left alone and she hands me Jamie and walks to her room. I look at Ryan, and without words tell him that this is our child.

He stares at Jamie for a long time and then walks off, leaving me all alone with her. Jamie had been watching Ryan very curiously, recognizing him from the pictures. When he left, she seemed to get upset and it took a while for me to settle her down. When she did, I put her in the crib and found Ryan who was staring off into space. I touched his shoulder, and that's all it took for him to crumble.

For the first time, he told me what it was really like to go to war. He told me that you're taught not to show any emotions. He told me that if he saw someone on the street asking for help, he couldn't provide it most of the time. He told me that when you saw a kid, you raised your gun and threatened to shoot because there was a chance that the kid had a bomb. He told me all of these horrible things he'd seen and it was the first time I'd ever seen him like that.

Then he told me about this baby that he saw. He told me how she was crying and how the dead mother was still holding the child. He told me that even though they told him not to, he still tried to save that baby. He had to break the lady's arms to get the baby, and then had to carry the baby to the nearest red cross. He couldn't cuddle the baby like he wanted to though, couldn't try to settle the baby down. All he could do was carry the baby who was probably scared to death by then. He would never know what happened to the baby, but was told not care.

And as he told me everything, I could see how much it hurt him in his eyes. I thought about when we were smaller and when he found out about his father's death and how hurt he was then. He was hurt the same way now, even if it wasn't direct. But that's what war does to you I guess, it hurts you beyond what you thought was possible in places that you didn't know you had. I felt so bad for ever thinking once that my life was bad because he'd seen first hand what it was like to be in the worst possible place.

He then explained that when he saw our baby that he was reminded of that other baby and every other memory that came along with it. I held him and told him that Jamie was ours to care for and that he never had to hold back when he wanted to love her unlike that other baby. So I led him back to where Jamie was and handed Jamie to him. He got a little emotional then and whispered to Jamie that he'd never let anything hurt her.

He held Jamie for most of the day. He played with her and kissed her and hugged her and cuddled her. The sight of the two of them was so cute and made me feel so happy that Ryan finally got to meet Jamie.

And when it was time for us to go to bed, we made love again. It was the perfect end to one of the most emotional days I've ever been through. I wrote a whole lot more than I thought I would, but I just had to explain what happened today as best I could. So I'm really tired now, good night.

Marissa

_June 5, 2007_

Dear Diary,

So Ryan's nightmares aren't going away. Now I can understand what he says in his sleep though. It used to be just a mumble, but the other day he said something loud and clear. He said, 'Kill him already Derek!' I confronted him in the morning about it, he didn't tell me what had happened with Derek. He just told me it was all part of the past and he wanted to leave the past behind and worry about our future...me, him, and Jamie.

He's been getting closer to Jamie. The other day I found him asleep with her cuddled up on his chest. It's moments like those that make up for his distance when it comes to his time in Iraq. Maybe it's all for the best though, maybe talking about it will just make him upset and then make me upset and then Jamie upset. Whatever his reasons though, I don't want to push him about it just yet.

Marissa

_June 20, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Ryan's barely sleeping at all anymore. I don't know what to do since he won't talk to me. I suggested that he go see someone about it but he declined. He is determined not to talk about whatever went on off at war. I wish he knew that talking to me would make things easier for the both of us. We don't connect as much anymore. I don't get how he can be so loving one minute and then avoid me completely now. He really needs to talk about it before it eats him up.

Marissa

_July 1, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Ryan got a call from this lady the other day. It wasn't anything bad, well, it was, but it wasn't like he was having an affair. It was that guy that he keeps talking about in his dream, Derek's mother. Derek's body was found a few days ago. He had been taken POW and killed. Derek was on Ryan's unit and was captured on the seventeenth of May along with the rest of Ryan's unit. As Ryan told me the details, all I could think about was how that could've been him.

The thought scared me more than anything.

Ryan said that they were shipping the body and they'd have a service for Derek in a couple of days. He said he was going to go. I said I'd go with him and let my mom take care of Jamie but he told me no, that this was something he had to do on his own. He wouldn't let me protest either because he quickly left the room and started packing. I don't know what got into him. I know his buddy died and all, but doesn't he know that I want to help him through this?

Doesn't he know that he's hurting me by doing this? 

Marissa

**A/N Okay, so there's like a month to two months left in this story now. Just thought I'd let you guys know that. **


	12. Chapter 12

-1**A/N DaDaDa...drum roll please. This will probably be the last chapter/post of this story. So, I've enjoyed writing it, I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Maybe there will be a sequel, maybe not. Depends on what you guys want and how busy I am. Anyways, enjoy! **

_July 5, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Ryan called today and said that he's going to stay with Derek's family for a little while. I asked him why and he said that they were taking this whole thing pretty hard. He told me that Derek's seventeen year old sister wouldn't even come out of her room. I know that Ryan loves me, but why do I feel like something bad is going to happen?

I told Ryan that we needed to talk about this whole thing, that he needs to let me inside. Wanna know his answer to that? 'I have to go, Derek's sister is calling me.'

That really hurt.

Marissa

_July 13, 2007_

Dear Diary,

If you think I'm going to tell you something happy about Ryan coming home and everything, think again. Ryan still won't come home, Jamie's been really fussy lately, my mom is going out of town, and I'm just going insane over here. Why won't Ryan come home? Why does he need to be with Derek's family when he has his own waiting for him? Why can't he see that I'm going to be here for him whether I knew how Derek was or not? Why won't he talk to me? We always used to talk, what changed now?

Marissa

July 20, 2007

Dear Diary,

So Ryan came back today. He said he was sorry, but that's all he said. Then he went and started playing with Jamie who had really missed him. It makes me upset to think that he thinks he can just come back after being gone that long and think that a simple, 'I'm sorry' will do. He's making me really upset, and that usually doesn't happen with Ryan.

Marissa 

_July 25, 2007_

Dear Diary,

Ryan said he wanted to take me to a really nice dinner tomorrow night. I wonder what the occasion is for. He kind of sort of talked to me today about his previous distance. He said it was hard enough living through it once, but talking about it would be like living through it again and he really didn't want to do that. I felt kind of bad for being mad at him then.

He seems a little nervous for some reason that I don't understand. He still hasn't talked about when he stayed with Derek's family. I'm wondering if something happened over there that shouldn't have.

Marissa

_July 26, 2007_

Dear Diary,

I think I only have enough room for one last entry in this thing. It's been really nice having a diary all this time. It helped me when everything else made no sense. So even though you're not real, thanks for all the good times.

So Ryan took me to dinner today, it was a very important dinner too. I will soon tell you why. Anyways, Ryan takes me to this really nice restaurant and I started to get a little suspicious at that. I mean, he's been gone and as soon as he comes back he starts acting all weird? I figured something had happened over there or something, maybe he had been spending too much time with Derek's sister or something. I dunno, but by the looks of it, I really didn't like it at all.

So throughout the whole dinner Ryan kept bouncing his knee up and down and looking around like he couldn't stay focused. I thought that was strange too, but I didn't say anything. He kept telling me how much he loved me and everything and I just kept nodding along and tried to figure out why he was acting so weird. After our very expensive meal he decided that we should go for a walk along the beach, just like we always do. I agreed to that because no matter how weird Ryan's acting, I love walking along the beach with him.

While we're walking, Ryan just seems to get weirder and weirder. He keeps stuffing his hands into his pockets and smiling to himself and then frowns and gets all weird again. It was an amusing sight to watch, but it also made me a little worried to why he was acting that way. We just kept walking and walking and he kept doing the same thing over and over again until we reached the lifeguard station. That's when he took in a big gulp and took my hand and together we walked up the ramp.

That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I told Ryan that I wanted to talk, and he said he wanted to talk also. I said I would go first and he just nodded. I told him that I was tired of him distancing himself from me. I told him about how much he hurt me by shutting me out all those times. I told him that I didn't want him to leave me ever again. From when we were smaller to war to leaving me to go with Derek's family, I just felt that I can't take him leaving me like that anymore.

And when I was done confronting him, he smiled and looked away nervously before saying that he never wanted to leave me again, and that I'd go with him whenever he had to go somewhere or do something like that again. He said me and Jamie are the most important things in his life and that he doesn't ever want to leave us again. Then, he reached into his pocket and in it was a small velvet covered box that rings come in. He opened it and it revealed the most amazing engagement ring I'd ever seen. He got down on one knee and said that since he was thirteen he'd loved me and he'd promised in one of his letters so long ago that he'd marry me someday. He said he wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, through good times and bad because I made him feel happier than anyone else ever has. And then he looked up into my eyes and asked the question that I'd been waiting to hear since we were smaller. 'Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?'

And I of course, said yes.

Marissa  
  
**Present Day, year 2014 **

I shut the diary and immediately look at the package it came in. There's a note on it that says, 'I think you'd like to read this. -Marissa Cooper.' There's a number I can call so I immediately pick up the phone and dial it, my hand shaking even more with every button I press to the point where I don't know if I can finish dialing. I wait for someone to answer, hoping that someone does in fact answer and this isn't some big prank or whatever. Three times it rings, and then suddenly there's an adult woman's voice filling the line. "Hello?"

"Um, Marissa Cooper?" I ask, hoping that it is in fact Marissa Cooper.

"Yeah, this is she." Marissa says, and I feel myself become even more tense.

"Um, this is Dawn Atwood, Ryan's mom." I say shakily.

There's silence on the other line and I wonder if maybe she didn't want me to call after all. Before long though, I hear a door close and she says, "I've been waiting for your call."

"Is he okay?" I ask, thinking that's the only reason she would send the diary for.

"Yeah, he's great actually." She said, and I can hear how much she loves my son. 

"Oh, okay." I sigh and then take in a deep breath and ask the question that's been on my mind. "Do you think he'd see me after all this time, after what I did to him when he was little?" 

I can almost hear the smile in her voice when she says, "I think he'd like that."


End file.
